Pioneer and early settler of America Isaac Stites was a fat nosed and not particularly attractive man. Isaac’s skin had an off-color that was attributed to his time voyaging to newfoundland. Although this did not manifest in any other health problems, it left an indelible black mark on his status in the community. His pallid lime eyes and rosy retreating hair also betrayed his Irish ancestry- not a desirable trait among early settlers.
Further, his mawkish personality was repulsive to the women in the settled land. William Gibbs, a respected leader of the clan, had been looking for an excuse to expel him to the surrounding swampland but could find no justifiable reason. Isaac had broken no “laws” but it was clear he was not contributing in a meaningful way to the burgeoning society.
Isaac had first attempted to hunt. But his clumsy movement betrayed his soft resolve to sneak up on local prey and game. It was not as though he had only attempted the widely practiced feat once or no one made an effort to teach him the basics of the trade. His body or mind simply were not capable of drawing the bowstring or pointing the rifle at the proper moment. Soon, the successful hunters stopped giving him notice of their forays in the woods so as not to lose valuable prey.
Next, there was an endeavor to prepare and cook the meat and gathered nuts, vegetables and roots brought back by the more capable pilgrims. This proved to be disastrous. Isaac consistently burned the food to a crisp, taking away precious nutrients from famished women, malnourished children and fatigued men. Furthermore, it seemed there was always perplexing less of the finished product than their should have been, leading to calls of thievery and hoarding. In truth, it was because Isaac often buried or hid food that he had so thoroughly ruined to the point where it was inedible.
With few options left, Isaac thought he could instead be a concubine for the female pioneers. A gossip, he quickly found himself at odds with the female population who coveted their secret romps around the camp. He consistently lied and bragged about his conquests, which the women voraciously denied. In fact, it was because Isaac was impotent in the tents and makeshift wooden beds that he felt he had to misrepresent his nighttime interactions to the men. He so exaggerated these tales that no one much trusted anything that came out of his port mouth.
The entire predicament would have been amusing if not for the high stakes of the venture the town was taking on.
“What are we going to do about Isaac?” asked Levi Mathers, the gravitational constant of the camp, whose deliberate decision-making process was respected among the elders and young alike.
“He’s a godforsaken blight,” responded Ira Abbott, the ultra-religious neophyte. Many in the cabin nodded along. William Gibbs had called the meeting among the local dignitaries who had predominantly expressed their disdain for Isaac, dwindling the prospect of a positive outcome for Isaac.
“But he is not nefarious,” said Levi. “He harbors no ill will that I can conceive towards anyone here.”
“He’s a mess,” said Nora Walker, the sole female voice in the room, a rare occurrence. She continued, “He has no discernible skills, no family to speak of and is a drag on our progress and chances of survival in this jilted land.” Isaac had recently exposed Nora’s affairs with two different men.
“Fuck him and all his dead family members,” cried Ira. “Why he is still an accepted member of this camp is beyond me.”
“This new world is supposed to be more sophisticated and welcoming than our old one,” reminded Levi to Ira. “That means all sects and kinds of people should be welcome,” he said and cut off Ira, “No matter his questionable Irish heritage.”
Ira harrumphed and crossed his arms, having made his viewpoint clear.
The summit concluded ceremoniously as the residents returned to their dwellings. Unbeknownst to the gatherers, Isaac had inopportunely found himself outside the window of the cabin where they were meeting and had overheard almost everything. Unsurprisingly, this was not a planned enterprise, but a turn of fortune for the poor, ugly man. If he had remained to listen to the rest of the conversation, perhaps he would have acted differently.
“So, it’s agreed then,” said William, de-facto leader. “Isaac stays. We’ll just have to continue to subsidize the sap until we find a useful position for him to take.”
The room murmured its approval as the wood from the fire crackled out. Meanwhile, Isaac was packing, taking in a burlap sack warm clothing, some portions of foodstuff and a bow with eight arrows in a quiver. He slipped out in the night from his tent and padded his way towards the swampland.
In the following days, blame was abound for Isaac’s disappearance. Ira was hung from a tree for treachery and treason. William was ousted from his leadership position for his handling of the entire affair. And Nora took the moment to proclaim herself a visionary and propelled herself into power as the camp’s new prophet.
It was only in the mid-twentieth century when archaeologists discovered the skeleton of a starved man in a cave that Isaac’s fate came into the history books. He was found with seven fragmented arrows that appeared to have been broken by being shot on a rock or other unbreakable surface. There was also evidence of some kind of attack by a wild animal, for his foot was chewed on vigorously. One scientist proposed that the man had actually done this to himself during a particularly desperate moment. They named him the “foot-in-mouth pioneer.”